Rachel, how can I handle criticism better?

Dear Rachel,
I’m at a new agency and the mood here is very different from the smaller agency I worked at for three years. People are colder and more blunt-spoken. And this is really true for my boss. She is very critical of my work. Some of it is her explaining how things are done differently here, but some of it seems gratuitous. Maybe I don’t handle criticism well, but I find it demoralizing. I need to figure out how to grow a thicker skin, I guess. Got any tips? Sign me Thin-skinned in the Big Apple

Dear Thin-Skinned,
There are two types of criticism, constructive and the other kind.

The single most important skill you can have is knowing the difference between the two and how to respond accordingly.

When it is constructive, take it in and learn from it, obviously.

You know it’s constructive because it relates to something very specific. You zigged when you should have zagged. You got a person’s name wrong. You were late to a meeting.

Your response is pretty straightforward. You thank the person, assure the person you’ll do better next time, and you both move on.

It’s not about you. It’s about something you did or didn’t do.

The other kind of criticism—destructive criticism—is about you. Whatever you didn’t do right is because you are somehow lacking, you aren’t good enough or smart enough. It’s personal, and it is meant to demean you in some way.

The response here is to immediately challenge the criticism for what it is.

Explain that the criticism is unfair and plain wrong.  And explain why.

Do not allow your anger to simmer, either. You need to object at that very moment.

People who exercise their authority destructively do it because they’ve learned they can get away with it. You need to retrain the person when it comes to dealing with you.

You could well get fired by jumping to your own defense at the moment of the run-in, and that’s the fear such people trade on. But bet that it won’t happen. We are talking about bullies here, and bullies are usually quick to back down.

But here is the real question. If the people there behave in the way you say, why would you want to stay there anyhow? By suggesting you needed a thicker skin, you are buying into their culture. You are in a sense becoming their victim.

Instead, you should be looking for a new job at an agency that has a culture that works for you. Start looking right away.

I can tell you this. If you are not happy where you are now, there is zero chance you will ever be happy there. It’s not a good place.

Look around you. How many damaged people do you see?

If you stay, you’ll become damaged too.

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